When a Leisurely Trail Ride Goes Bad
When you're a parent, you spend a good part of your life comparing your children to others. That's normal, and almost all parents do it -- we use comparison as a gauge to measure our child's progress and development.
Does our baby sleep more or less than others? Did our child walk earlier or later than the average child did? Did our child begin learning to read before or after other children did? Is our child doing better than average -- or worse?
Comparison often happens subconsciously. And while it may be a good way to measure whether your child needs extra help or encouragement, comparing your child's spelling and reading development to that of others can also hinder progress.
I recently had a wake-up call experience about the dangers of comparison. I have a pony, Ginger, and one of my goals for her is that she become a dependable trail horse -- calm and steady. So when other riders at my stable decided to head out on the trails one day, I thought, "Perfect! We'll ride along."
Now, Ginger doesn't have much experience on the trails. The newfound freedom was exciting to her, and I had to hold her back while other riders prepared to leave. Her hooves danced in place and she literally chomped at the bit while we waited.
Ten minutes into the ride, it was clear we had a problem. Ginger wanted to forge ahead of the other horses, and I struggled to hold her back. The more I worked to keep her in line and have her behave like the other horses, the more frustrated she became. She even reared up!
So when my trainer Jayme asked if I'd like to trade horses with her for the rest of the ride, I quickly agreed. Good idea!
Jayme had her hands full just as much as I'd had, even with her experience. Ginger just wanted to shoot ahead, and Jayme was determined to teach Ginger she couldn't do as she pleased.
Then Ginger bucked so hard that Jayme flew through the air and landed in the snow. Jayme came up fighting mad. This was going to be a battle of wills -- and my trainer wasn't about to be the loser.
By the time Jayme was done working with Ginger to teach her respect for riders, my pony had a very different attitude. She was calm, attentive, willing, and listening well -- and worn out.
Ginger has learned her lesson, I hope. We'll know for sure the next time we take her out on the trail. But I learned my lesson, too. I made a poor choice by continuing on the trail ride even after I felt how excited Ginger was when we first started out. Before we left the stables, I should have
swung off and said, "See ya! I think I'll sit this one out." Then I should have done some very basic exercises with Ginger at the beginning of the trail.
Instead of trying to "keep up with the Joneses'," I should have realized that Ginger just wasn't ready for a trail ride. I should have read the signs -- the high head, the prancing feet, and my gut feeling that this was not going to end well.
I wanted Ginger to be like the other horses. I wanted to live that dream of going on a leisurely trail ride in the woods, with the beautiful scenery and birds singing. Everyone else's horse can handle it -- why can't my little Ginger?
Because Ginger is different from the rest of them, that's why. She hasn't had the type of preparation she needs. And she isn't naturally inclined to be laid back and follow the leader. She needs more extensive groundwork than the other horses in the barn, and more consistency and review.
Some of you are facing a similar situation with your children. You see that they aren't reading as well as the other kids, or their spelling causes you embarrassment. You're wondering what to do since your child doesn't read or spell at grade level. Other people's children just seem to pick
up these skills naturally -- yet it is a struggle for your child. It isn't fair.
I'll tell you what I've had to tell myself over and over for the last several days. Stop comparing. Your child may need a different type of instruction than the other kids -- more practice, more consistency, and more review.
As for Ginger and me, I have to work with what is in front of me, even if it doesn't match up with the ideal in my mind. I love this little pinto and can picture a bright future for us, but I can't act as if everything is okay when it is not. I have to work on filling in the gaps in her training first, just like you might need to work on bridging those gaps in your child's spelling and reading.
It's worth it, don't you think? I'd like to hear your comments!
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Comment by Chris on February 26, 2010 at 9:29am -
Wow, Marie I don't even know where to begin! We voted your AAS program #1 on our TOS Crew voyage last year, LOVE the Beehive reader, and horses too? My older girls flew through all levels of the AAS program last year, but my 4 year old is really just now learning letters an putting sounds together.. He just turned 4, and by 4 years both my girls were already reading. When I got the Beehive reader I was definitely comparing him to them at his age but I know I shouldn't be. He will learn in his own time, in his own way .
Funny enough, we also have a 3 year old filly that my girls (13 and 9) are breaking. Never been with a trainer yet, because I was dreading sending her away. One day my girls came tearing to the house to show me they could saddle her, then sit on her and now ride her with someone leading. I keep thinking how I need to get a trainer out here so we can speed this up so I can take her trail riding. But she's doing beautifully learning in her own time, and it's the experience of a lifetime for them. Yep, kids and horses are definitely worth it :)
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Comment by Chris on February 26, 2010 at 9:34am
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Wanted to share my horse stories in the first comment but my links didn't show up:
http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Armyof5/749006/
and
http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Armyof5/748911/
Chris
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Comment by Adrienne B. Campuzano on February 26, 2010 at 9:35am - I absolutely loved the newsletter. Thank you for sharing.
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Comment by Tiffany Shewmaker on February 26, 2010 at 10:01am
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Marie,
Your story really hit home with me. I work in a children's shelter and although I do not work directly with the kids, the concept is still the same. I am in the office area and I have had to train a few of the kids to knock before they come in, although it is an open door policy. It is just common courtesy to knock before entering. They are learning very well. A few of them still come running in to speak to the directors and they remind the child(ren) to go back to the opening of the door and knock. The children apologize and do as they are asked. The caregivers don't enforce it enough and let the kids run ahead of them so it is up to me and the directors to redirect them on their behavior in this area. It takes time to teach and you have to have the patience to know when a child is going to require that extra time and be willing to instruct as needed.
Tiffany Shewmaker
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Comment by T. T. Hargett on February 26, 2010 at 10:39am
- I think the worst comparison we mothers tend to make with our children, and the most destructive, is comparing them to ourselves. I was a top speller in school, and rarely had to study. Why can't my children do that? Why do they forget the simplest words sometimes? Out of ten children, perhaps only two will have that ability and natural ease in spelling recall. Couple that with a thousand responsibilities and my natural impatience, and the results of comparison can get disheartening, and even nasty. Thank you, Marie, for an excellent reminder of this truth. For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise. (2 Corinthians 10:12)
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Comment by Monique Maxwell on February 26, 2010 at 10:50am
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I have six children ages 24 to 2 yrs. Five years ago we also had a wakeup call. Our daughter was born 2 1/2 months early weighing 3lb. She was is the NICU for 1 month. Although she was in stable condition most of those 4 wks there were still moments we had to completely lean on our faith.
At 10 months old she was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsey. I new at that point she would have many challenges ahead of her and it would be our job has parents to guide her thru each and everyone. The was about 4 yrs ago. Our daughter is now 5 yrs old and very indepentend. Yes, she has days that she wants to beable to run and climb on the playground equipment like the others kids. She will come to me and say "mom I want to climb to the top all by myself" and my response is always "Ok, lets go for it" and off we go
My husband and I decided early on that if we spent our time comparing and wishing she was like the "normal" kids we would be wasting our time wishing when all we had to do is show her a way she could do things like everyone else. We also never wanted her to use her disability as a excuse. She has never heard the word you can't.
Each a every child is such an amazing gift. Every child will have strengths and weaknesses. Lift up and nurture the strengths and remember that our childs strengths may be anothers weakness.
Monique
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Comment by Tiffany Shewmaker on February 26, 2010 at 11:11am
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Monique and T.T.,
Your responses are both so inspiring. Monique, you are so awesome to encourage your daughter the way you do. My children have never been told "you can't." My mom has told me a few times "you can't do that" when combating the way I raise my kids and I have responded with "oh yes I can!" I will raise my children with as much optimism as they can handle!! She is quite judgemental when it comes to my parenting and I have to remind her that God is the only one I will allow to judge me and until that time comes, I will continue to pray and follow his guidance in raising my children. I raise them by the wisdom and guidance of the Bible and they are very aware of that. Bless you both.
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Comment by siloam on February 26, 2010 at 1:09pm -
Spot on!
Heather
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Comment by Merry on February 26, 2010 at 1:22pm - Yes, it's worth it. It's a lot of work, but oh, when I see the progress and the maturity coming out, it's worth it. I can't believe how far we've come in just under 2 years. But your note reminded me of another way I compare--their behavior to adults. They are not adults, they are children who need lots of training, coaching, teaching--and sometimes consequences, to help them learn how to behave. The other day both kids couldn't seem to stop arguing, and they were not measuring up to the ideal in my mind, and I just wanted to lash out. But thankfully God reminded me that they were probably feeling under a lot of stress with Dad's health not doing well that week--and instead of lashing out, I sat both down next to me, cuddled them on the couch, and talked about how we're all feeling stressed. I could visibly see their relief at getting it out in the open, and things went so much better from that point on. As parents there are just times we need to take a step back and look more deeply at what's going on. Thanks so much for your letter! Merry :-)
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Comment by Marie Rippel on February 26, 2010 at 1:59pm -
@Chris: I followed the links to your blog posts -- what sweet horses! I love a stocky wide-barrel horse, and Napoleon looks like he likes all the attention from your girls.
@Adrienne: Glad you liked it! :)
@Tiffany: You bring up a good point -- consistency is KEY! The children at the shelter are fortunate to have your guidance.
@Monique: What a beautiful testimony...thanks for sharing your daughter's story.
@T.T.: I agree, comparing our kids to ourselves when we were that age is one of the worst comparisons. And teaching spelling to kids who struggle can be especially hard for those of us who were top spellers in school! I try to think of something I'm really terrible at -- like map directions -- and that gives me more humility!
@Merry: You mean they aren't supposed to act like adults? (Don't tell my kids that...:) I pray that your husband's health improves soon. It's such a strain on a household when someone isn't doing well.
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